mental health awareness, Uncategorized

Tuldok-kuwit

 

At 10, I experienced bullying…

I was on my 5th grade that time, everyone calls me “blacktooth” because my front tooth was literally black. I was good in Art but nobody noticed that, people only see how you look and judge you by that. I have this potential to lead my batch mates in Girl Scout, but my teacher choose other kid because yeah! Who will respect a bullied girl like me?

At age 10, I lost my self-confidence…

On my 6th grade, I get used to of being called by silly names and my classmates eventually got tired of making fun of me. 6th grade was the time that you will graduate from elementary to high school year, yey! That sounds exciting (roll eyes). A mandatory graduation picture was conducted.

My turn…

The photographer told me that I look like someone he sees on TV, as a child who was being bullied since day one, of course I feel flattered. But then, he told me that I look like that comedian girl who puts chocolate in her tooth just to look funny. I got hurt and felt shy to smile in front of the camera, my elementary graduation picture was a mess.

At 6th grade, I lost my smile….

Fast Forward,

2nd year High school, I was trying to climb my grades up just to prove everyone that even if I look like this, I am worthy of respect, I am enough and I am more than just a bullied girl.

But then I fell in love

I thought I was in love

I had my first boyfriend at age 13, as a girl who was being bullied almost her entire life, a girl who felt ugly and nothing, having someone who makes you feel that you were loved and beautiful is everything. I was in love that time, so in love that I even let my grades fall down and let the opportunity to prove myself to everyone to just be gone. I was so head over heels that time until I figured out that he was just playing tricks on me, that the only reason why he courted me is because I have high grades and he could use me to pass his grades.

I was a fool, stupid and ugly little girl

I was so ambitious, do I really think that there could be someone that can love me?

At age 13, I trust no one…

3rd year high school….

My teacher asked us to write a poem, I write poems when I was sad…. I’m always sad… so I always write.

I wrote:

“ tanikalang di mahigpit,

                At ang kaniyang himig

                Yan ang aking bitbit

                At ang kaniyang pag ibig…”

My teacher got mad, she told me that I plagiarized that poem, and someone like me can’t make a poem as beautiful as that.

I cried while telling her that I was not lying and I really did that poem,

She didn’t believe me, she was so mad that time and didn’t even bother listening to me

I told her that “how can I plagiarized someone else’s poem if you ask us to do this on the spot?”

She just shut me up.

At 15, I stop writing poems…..

4th year high school, senior prom.

The worst part is yet to come…..

Gowns, heels and dances are not really my thing, but since we are obliged to attend this hell ball and I never wanted to be the “kill joy”, I came to the party.

8….

…9…

Past 10….

Almost 11 o’clock in the evening and I’m still sitting here at the corner of the bleachers waiting…. Hoping …. Wishing for someone,

At least one to dance me…But…. Who am I fooling?

I didn’t dare to finish the party, laugh at me sure! But I ran away. Ride a jeep back home and walk on my foot in the middle of the night while holding this god forsaken gown and heels.

I was crying that night…

At age 16, I told myself that I am no beautiful…

At 17 I got my tooth fixed, that I thought I could get my confidence back. Since it was my first year in a University, I constantly tell myself that it was a new life. This is the beginning of my new chapter. I was so happy thinking that no one could ever bully me again, that I can be who I am without worrying that someone could make fun of me. No one from the past knows me here…

I’m fine…

Am I?

First semester, I had this classmate who has a friend called “Ashley”. That girl named Ashley was beautiful I admit. Then my other classmate pulls out a joke “lahat ng Ashley magaganda no? Now I know bakit hindi Ashley pinangalan sayo ng mama mo”, then everyone laughs at it.

I know it was just a joke, and call me soft hearted and weak but I walked out. I was hurt, you can’t blame me.. I was bullied my entire life and the fact that I had fixed that one imperfection that I think was keeping me from being acceptable. I thought I could be one, I thought that I can be beautiful.

But no…

Random things got into my mind …. “Maybe my tooth was not the problem” … “maybe I am” …. “Maybe I really am ugly, and there’s no way I could change that” … “Maybe no one can accept me”

That time I accepted that I was no way of becoming beautiful…..

My friend approached me and apologies saying that he was just only joking, then tells me that I am “iyakin”.

Since that time I started to hide my tears and emotions because I was afraid of being judge and misunderstood. I don’t want people to think that I am weak and vulnerable. I don’t want people to think that I am “maarte”, “iyakin”

That time I learned how to keep my emotions…..

I learned how to put make up on, and I won’t deny I felt more confident because of that.

Since that day, I never leave the house without make up.

Second semester, I had my second boyfriend and I was so in love. I was happy that finally I can be beautiful in someone else’s eye, that finally I could feel special and important.

But that feeling won’t last long, I discovered that this guy was cheating on me…

I ask myself what’s wrong in me. Am I still ugly? Do I have to add more make up? Is it me?

Since that day, I started to trust No man…..

Fast forward…. Life happens and I have to stop in school, I was so sad that time because I never wanted to be left behind, I wanted to finish this course, I want to graduate on time.

I’m still proving myself….

I’m still yearning for acceptance and respect.

I constantly ask God why?  ….  Did I do something wrong?  …

I learn to be optimistic that moment, I tried my luck applying to different companies but I was being rejected all the time.

Rejection makes me doubt my capabilities and abilities.

That day I told myself that I am useless and I would never be enough.

A year past I become extremely sad for hoping that I could go back in school that time,

Because of disappointments I felt, I cried myself to sleep every night asking God what I did wrong, and even came to the point that I no longer pray because I thought that it was pointless.

Everyday my mind constantly remind me of things I felt in the past, my moods keeps on changing from good to irritated. My menstrual cycle became so irregular that I just experienced it some-times in a year.

My chest always feels so heavy and sometimes I still cry myself to sleep at night.

I easily get affected on little things, rejections and hurting words.

I’m still afraid to share my feelings and emotions because I don’t want people to judge me and think that I was just fishing for compliments and attention.

But, little by little, I try to manage my emotions, I try to be positive and laugh and be happy.

I try to keep myself busy and occupied so that random thoughts could not get into my mind.

I keep on going. Because that is life!

THIS IS LIFE;

Fast forward to present, I now be able to continue my studies. I feel pressured and I want to rush things because I feel so old and left behind, my batch mates already graduated in College, some are working and starting their own family.

But I always try to look at the brighter side of the picture.

Compare to the past me, I am way better

Thank you, to my family who keeps on reminding me that even if at age 22 I’m still in school, I am still the smartest for them. Thank you for constantly loving me and supporting me for everything.

To that one good friend I have, thank you for constantly asking me how am I feeling every day, you were there on my darkest days. Thank you for letting me know that I am more than enough and I don’t have to feel envy on someone else’s life. Thank you for always being there even if I never asked you to be. You are the only person who knows everything, every struggle and past stories but never judged me. You are really worthy on that field.

You’re all the reasons why I keep on going, I hope that everyone especially those who suffer from depression have someone like you in their lives.

I’m still learning to pray for my emotional healing

To those who struggle on depression. Diagnosed or not. To those who constantly feel sadness.

It’s a process, little by little you’ll learn to accept things. It’s hard I know, it’s hard to forgive and forget.

But no one rushes you to do it immediately

Do it one at a time.

Just keep going…

And to the people, who never thought of someone else’s feeling. To those who invalidate someone else’s struggle just because they don’t understand how their actions and words could may affect someone.

It’s not too late to change things, you can still do well.

Start touching people’s lives by inspiring them.

Start saying positive things to people than criticizing them and pointing out their imperfections and negatives.

You don’t know how a single word could affect and change lives.

You don’t know how much weight you add to that little girl’s heart.

You don’t know how much she mind about those jokes you’ve pull off.

Lastly, sharing my experiences was not easy for me. Still I am afraid of criticisms, I still think that someone might think that I was just fishing for attention, that I was just joining the bandwagon.

But despite all these “what ifs” I still choose to share this, not to put guilt on the people who contributed on my struggles, but to simply put awareness to each and every one who read this.

My story was just a little and simple acts that just piled up on a little girl’s heart and then eventually affect her life entirely; which proves that small thing makes a big difference.

In this world of period. Be the semi colon;

————–   I am not alone, so are you —————-

Serendifayety

#projectsemicolon #semicolon #stopthestigma #depression #MentalhealthAwareness

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love, Open letter, Uncategorized

An Open letter for my Mr. Almost 

#openLetter


The best part was not always those sweet words you’ve said, but the times we argue about little things and laugh after realizing that we both have a point. I remember one day we almost shout while arguing inside the mall because of just a single message that I didn’t receive, everyone was starring at us with curiosity and then you said “oh sorry na” when you saw me already pissed as I rolled my eyes. I laughed at you because I didn’t expect you to give up an argument with me, I said “alas! I already won an argument”. But winning an argument with you was nothing compared on losing you. Sadly, it happened; sadly you didn’t stay.
I stare at our conversation wondering why did you leave? How did I lose you? Is it my fault? Or am I just not enough?

I stare at our conversation for the past few hours, days and weeks searching for something wrong , searching for reason why, searching for answers. But I see nothing but sweet messages of yours.

I stare at our conversation without realizing that I’m just digging another hole inside my heart, this hole.. this empty hole, waiting for you to fill it in. And yes I’m still waiting. . .
Days, weeks, months have passed and I didn’t realized that it was this easy, it was this easy for you to forget about me, about us. But maybe there really is no us, maybe that word “us” was just a short term for “fantasy” , yes! Fantasy. Fantasy that exist only in my head down to my heart. Fantasy that eats me everytime I think of you.
But no, it’s not your fault; it’s mine. I’m sorry for I fell inlove with your “good mornings” and “good nights”, I’m sorry for I even fell for the times we spend together. I’m sorry because I feel something for I thought that there really is. I’m sorry , I really do.
Today, I finally accept things. Did I really? I don’t know? But I have to! What else should I do? Life must go on. I will no longer wait for closures, for I already end this fantasy inside. Go on! Have a life now, be happy for your choices, and so will I. I will no longer stalk your profile, will no longer think nor wait.

But the best memories of you and me will always remain.
If I can go back in time, I’ll go back to that argument, I’ll go back and let you win, for I can endure losing a single argument than losing you.
But goodbye for now, and if it is God’s plan. Our paths surely! Will crossed again,just like what happened before. And if that time comes, for the third time I will still let you in. Good bye for now, good bye my almost lover, Goodbye my hopeless dream.
— An Open Letter for my Mr. Almost

Uncategorized

Thursday, April 6th

Eto ako, sa ika tatlong araw mula nung napagdesisyonan kong itigil na ang katangahang ito. Pilit kong binabaling ang atensyon sa mga bagay na dating nagpapasaya saakin nung hindi kapa dumadating sa buhay ko. 

Eto ako, na unti unting binubuo ang pundasyong bumuwag ng dahil sa pagmamahal sayo. Unti unting itinatayo ang pader na maaaring pumagitan sa akin at sayo. 

Ngunit ayan ka, 

Ayan ka nanaman nagpaparamdam na tila ba’y sinusubok ang tibay ng pader na aking itinayo. Pumapasok sa buhay ko na parang isang malakas na bagyo. Na para bang alam na alam mo kung kailan gagambalain ang proseso kong paglimot sayo.

Nawala lang lahat, nawala lang lahat ang pader na ilang oras, araw at segundo kong pinaghirapang itayo, ang pader na kahit masakit ay pilit kong binubuo upang hindi na ako mapalapit sayo

Nawala na ang lahat

Wala

Dahil lang sa isang text message mong 

“Goodnight 🐷”

Eto nanaman ako, balik sa simula

Uncategorized

When people don’t care about how others would feel. When the only thing that matter is the face on their feed. When everyone is unsure and the world has no cure. When all gives less, and take all of what’s rest. When the world is uncertain and everyone closed their curtain.

When everything on the desk is nothing but a mess and life thrown things they called test

When life is a big question and everyone is untrue

I will be the only sure thing in this world full of uncertainties 

I will cut all doubts and boundaries 

I will love like there is no tomorrow 

I will never be afraid in pain and in sorrow.

I will never regret the things I’ve said and done for love

For I will regret more if I didn’t 

It doesn’t matter if it will work or not, doesn’t matter how it ends. Atleast for once you’ve experienced, how to love someone like there is no end.

food and travel

Free unli kimchi! ❤️

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My friend saw some posts on facebook about this restaurant that offers unli kimchi and affordable ramyeon and we decided to give it a try, We ordered cheese gimbap (the sushi-like rice rolls) @190php my friends ordered Haemul Ramyeon (w/c has shrimp on it) that costs 129php and mine was Ramyeon because I’m allergic to seafood. Everything was good for its price, the ambience has its light feeling maybe because most of their customers are students (La salle in particular) since it was located inside the University Mall. The interior setting is instagramable!

Uncategorized

Sa dulo ng walang Hanggang Closure

“Ito ay alay ko sa mga taong walang ibang alam gawin kundi humingi ng Closure sa isang relasyong dapat’y hindi na Sinimulan”

Hindi ka ba nagtataka?

Nagtataka kung bakit,

Kung paanong tayo’y nandito na sa dulo gayong wala namang tayong simula?

Kung paanong tayo’y nasa wakas na ng storya nang hindi man lang natin kilala ang may akda?

ang may akda

Sino ba ang nagsimula?

Sino ba ang may pakana?

Paano ba nagumpisa, bakit nasa dulo na ang pahina?

Paano ba tatapusin ang isang bagay gayong hindi mo naman alam kung saan ito nagsimula, O wala ka namang ideya kung ito nga ba ay nasimulan ba?

Yung ang tanging pinanghahawakan mo lang ay ang kanyang mga kataga

katagang “Dito! Dito lang tayo sa gitna,

wag mong alalahanin ang dulo  at kung saan ba dapat magsimula

Dito sa gitna

Sa gitna kung saan ikaw at ako lang ang nakakaalala

Dito, Dito kung saan ang simula ay hindi mahalaga

At ang dulo ay malayo pa

Dito sa gitna

Sa pagitan ng ako’y sayo at akin ka”

Mga matatamis na salitang sayo mismo nagmula

ako’y unti unting naniwala

nauto at nagpaka tanga!

Dito

Dito ako nakatayo

ngunit asan ka?

hinanap kita

Sa pagtingin ko sa kawalan

at pagtungtong sa aking kinatatayuan

ngayon ko lang napuna

na nandito ako, OO Nandito ako

hindi sa gitnang ipinangako mong datapwat’y walang simula ay wala din itong dulo

Hindi!

Hindi sa gitnang inaasahan ko

Nandito ako, nandito sa ereng pinagiwanan mo

Ngayon alam ko na

bagamat ay nagpakatanga

Maaari bang marinig ang huli mong salita?

Nais ko lamang malaman kung ako’y minahal mo rin ba?

Nais ko lamang marinig ang sagot sa tanong na kung “pwede pa?”

Dahil sa likod ng mga Talatang pilit kong tinatapos

Sa likod ng Pahinang pilit kong nilalamukos

Sa likod ng galit na pilit kong niyayapos

Ay ang larong ito na kailanma’y hindi ko nais magtapos

food and travel, Uncategorized

Thailand in PH!

The Calauan island escapade

A good place to celebrate any occasion, mapa birthday, anniversary, monthsary, weeksary, kahit daysary pa! A complete package of good food, entertainment, attraction and nature.

Good food— this place is under Barrio Fiesta so the food was authentically delicious. The sinampalukang Manok was cooked inside the kawayan and transfer it from kawayan to bowl right in front of us, it costs 300 something for a big bowl of seven cuts chicken. Then the adobong kangkong, urgh! Panalo! That was out favorite! Not your typical adobong kangkong, this one is sooooo malasa and garlicky,then may chunks pa of lechong kawali. Next is the inihaw na tilapia which is I think is mahal since it costs 200+ for 2pcs tilapia, nothing special with the taste just your typical inihaw na tilapia. Lastly, the rice was serve in a cute small kaldero ng kanin hahahah nakakabitin lang since dumating kaming gutom.

Entertainment— the place is packed with entertainment, there’s these singing gentlemen that will serenade you while you were eating, mascots of mickey mouse, donald duck and gooffy, jogglers and unicyclers (feels like we’re on a carnival themed fiesta) the “mahahabang tao” (I don’t know what to call them haha) musicians, dancers and many more. The whole band was marching in the whole place to entertain everyone, Attraction and Nature— you’ll surely enjoy the breathtaking thai inspired theme of Isdaan floating restaurant, this place was full of buddha replicas and statues. It was like a theme park with giant statues of buddha (there are three huge buddhas Red, White and Gold) giant statues of monkey, Elephants and other animals. The place was a Man-made floating restaurants that was connected with kawayan bridges. You can choose kung saan kang kubo, either sa taas with the giant buddhas to enjoy the whole view below or sa baba with the rivers, entertainers and more.

Plus!!— there’s this TACSIYAPO wall where you can throw and break things like plates, mugs, wall clock and even T.V.!! It’s a good way to release stress, heartaches etc. after here you can go straight to Calamba Laguna. (Dikit dikit ang hot springs don hehe)

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Uncategorized

My 2017 Cotract to life

Today, as I decided to share every part of me in this world, I solemnly swear to God, to my friends and family, and most especially to myself that from now on I will try my very best to live this life to the fullest! To live this life with smiles, to get rid of anger and envy but replace it with love, hope and laughter. For I promise to fill this year with colors. Join me as I fulfill those promises and continue making adventures, together  let us all live our life to its highest limit!

“In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take”